Relationships: love makes you scream

ive been with this man for seven years.iam 25 and never thought love could be such a complicated mess.our 1st two years were great,of course when i found out he was a meth addict it was like a smack in the face.the truth was unknown everything became a lie.but what is love if you cant stand beside your man when he has a problem? I loved him with a love that could move mountains,all i could see was him.he moved across the country to get away from drugs,and i waited for our lease to end so i could follow him.i was 20 and i couldnt breath without him.truth is he wasent the man i thought ,but i understood how he got where he did.I managed to let it go ,but my eyes were wide open so i couldnt really trust him.i did though. i prayed and i believed in him.
after 6 years he asked me to marry him.we were in key west and he sat beside me and asked me to be his wife.i said yes .i could barely speak. i thought i'd jump for joy and scream it from the mountain tops.6 years is better ask before she leaves not iam so crazy about her i want her to be mine.
I planned the wedding .bought the dress.then i found out he lied about doing drugs ,gambling,and a strip club.i flipped.i forgave him,but i guess i didnt.i drank to much .i cheated.i brokeup with him.i moved out.five months went by and i was happy.happy i took a stand and didnt just let it go.yes i drank to much and it was a hurtful thing i did.his tears fell on my deaf ears because he made me cry so many times.i thought he deserved it.what goes around comes around.
even know i didnt wamt to be with him at the time , at every big moment i wanted to call him.my love didnt die,i just needed my time.
one night i ran into him in a bar and we had this moment.i looked at him with tears in my eyes and saw he was a broken man.truth was we coudnt really function without each other
we've been back together for about 5 months.its wonderful but sometimes it makes me want to shoot myself in the head.its not easy anymore.i cheated so he wonders and holds resenment and sometimes i think of how he always thought he could hide everything and i would never know.i stopped drinking but sometimes i just want to get so drunk.
its kinda funny i look at him and i see the greatest man on earth,and i smile.cause he can make me so happy.when i lay their in his arms its like this is my heaven.i want to love him forever.i want it to be simple.i want to ask him to marry me and leave all our fears behind us.to start our lives together moving forward as one.
its been 7 years it should be that simple.i never thought it would ever be this complicated.it seems love isent simple but messy and maddening. but writing this i realize i love him beyond all thats happened and i still want to be his forever.he's still perfect in my eyes
he ,s only human and so am i