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- CommentAuthorVS
- said CommentTimeSeptember 6th, 2007
“I love a good laugh… I think that’s so important in life… if you can make someone laugh or smile it’s the most special thing in the world.”- Paul KaneThat's right, you need a good laugh once in a while, and here's a list of things you don't really have to do in your lifetime!
Enjoy and laugh:Climb Mount Everest
When you climb Mount Everest, make sure to stop at the Starbucks near the summit. I recommend the oxygen-infused Caramel Frappuccino — it was a favorite of sherpa Tenzing Norgay.
Okay, I’m kidding about the Starbucks, but climbing Everest doesn’t seem to be all that special anymore. A 15-year-old kid did it. A 70-year-old man did it. A naked guy even did it. Thousands of people have done it. There are more Power Bar wrappers and garbage in general on that hill than a New Jersey dump.
Sure climbing Mount Everest can be exciting and dangerous, but so can eating spinach.
Date a Victoria’s Secret Model
You’ve set your sites on a can of tasty peaches that’s on a pretty high shelf, so you’re probably not going to be able to reach it.
You might as well leave it off your list so you don’t agonize over it, or at least shoot a little lower. I once dated a girl who posed for the Sears catalog in her underwear. They were oversized ones that were embroidered with “Monday,” Tuesday”, etc. but heck, I was going out with an underwear model.
So when I die, I at least got that going for me.
See the Great Wall of China
It’s like, a wall. A really, really, long one. We’ve got a pretty big wall down by the dumpster. Go out there, scrunch up your eyes and imagine the wall holding back the Mongol hoards instead of the refuse from Tim’s lunch. You’ll save a ton of money.
Run a Marathon
An enormous pair of lungs with spindly arms and legs and bloody feet. Yeah, that’s a look I want. I’m glad Spain banned fashion models with a BMI of less than 18. I just wish they’d do the same with runners.
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- CommentAuthorVS
- said CommentTimeSeptember 6th, 2007
Have Sex in an Airplane
Having sex anywhere is nothing to be sneezed at, but I don’t understand the allure of screwing on a plane. For one thing, I need a 220-volt outlet for all my props. Not only that, but TC needs some room to operate, at least more room than a goddam airplane lavatory.
Jesus, I couldn’t even stand up while taking a pee in a typical airplane toilet. My height required that I had to use the freakin’ steel sink. Now at least, I can avoid the low curved ceiling and make blue ice by arching my back and making kind of a backwards “C” and praying that we don’t hit some turbulent air.
Videotape Yourself Having Sex
If you really want to have a digital memento of you and your girlfriend or wife having sex, hire a girl from an escort service to shoot the thing for you. Ask for one that’s a graduate of the Spielberg school of film — it shouldn’t be too hard to find one.
It’s a lot more exciting, and you’ll be thankful for the multiple camera angles and close-ups instead of one long shot of you plugging away like a plow-horse from the same wretched angle. For a few extra bucks, you can get the escort to be an extra in your film, but then you’ll have to hire the super to film the thing.
Learn a Foreign Language
Screw those Europeans who brag about knowing 8 languages. If, say, you lived in Kentucky and everyone in the immediately surrounding states of Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee, and Missouri spoke a different language, then you too would probably speak several different languages, just like a Frenchmen living smack-dab in the middle of Spain, Germany, Italy, etc. picks up a few different languages.
So, I’m sure there are lots of other things we could include on the “Things You Don’t Really Have to Do” list. Anyone care to contribute?
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