Relationships: grrrrrrrrr husbands

although most might think its a good thing but my husband never stops working. he leaves for work at 5 am and i dont see him home again untill somtime between 5 pm and 8 then he works in the garage on "side work" usually until about midnight and he's also an on call tow truck driver which puts him in and out all hours of the day and night all week and weekends. he's never around then complains that we dont spend enough time together as a family. HA HA HA like really when does he expect that we do that. our kids are 4 and 5 and they are just used to him never being around and i think thats sad. I understand the bills don't pay themselves but come on. Am I crazy??? How do I make him understand that his family needs him more than his money. It's almost like he thinks he is he's supposed to take care of us only financially. where is the fun time or quality time. Maybe im nuts but those things are more important to me than money.

I can tell you this Kitty. I regret the days I was putting in 80 hours a week. I missed all that time with my kids and for what?? To make my boss and the company wealthier. I am glad most of those days are over. I tell my significant other all the time. "We only have 18 years and then our kids are gone" I don't want to miss one second of that time. I hope your husband will eventually realize that Kids don't need material things, only love, kindness, affection and occasionaly discipline. Men don't look at kids the way Moms do. It truly is sad for kids, as well as the Mother who is taking the brundt of all rearing. We, as mothers, are the caregivers, disciplinarians, the kisser of boo-boos etc. It's all on us. Good Luck to ya!!

Yes, kitty

It is good that your husband is so committed to his work and providing for his family. And, he probably really needs that time in his cave when he gets home after some of those days. It’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the situation and he is not either! He wants more time with his family or you!

Your kids are still so young, but something needs to change in the near future before they get much older. It’s very sad when a child grows up without either one of the parents in their lives!

Something is not right and you are not crazy. But, unfortunately like too many other families you’re living in a confused and troubled home. I did it for many years and so much time was lost and wasted to never be lived again!

But, it’s never too late! Don’t feel or think it is! Crazy is doing the same things over and thinking something will change! Do something different!

Tell him what you think is important in a loving and respectful way. But, also ask him what is important and why it is important to him! Let him know what he is successful at while asking for more effort elsewhere.

He will regret these days as Liz does, as I do, and as countless others do. Your kids do need love and discipline from both you and their father. Liz is right that men don’t see their kids in the same light as mothers do. But, different is not bad in itself.

Life was simpler and our roles as man and wife where more clear. Now, women have assumed more and additional responsibilities that men more traditionally took care of. Most men have just rolled over and never learned anything new in their roles. Worse, most men have become confused and retreated to their “caves” for too long. We have too few good role models. Most of our own Dads dropped the ball. We don't have a vision and a picture of what we're called to step up to. We’re too often demeaned and trivialized or held to a narrow superhero expectation.

Watch an average TV show and you find an overweight, dumb, bumbling oaf of a man who the wife and children run circles around. And, if not an oaf we find an unrealistic hero of a man who seems to just have all the answers with out even a struggle. I know you got to have an oaf for comedy and society frowns on making the woman an object - unless she’s blond and/or totally hot. Sometimes it’s nice to see in another show the role model of a man in charge, but rarely are we shown the context of the struggle it takes for a man to become that hero and how their authority and respect was earned. Besides, it’s TV! I don’t expect TV to do what should be done in the home.

I’m not sure where the ball got dropped. The 50’s: Maybe the huge rise in the economy and the laziness that can come with luxury. The 60’s: Perhaps the rise of feminism, the spread of recreational drugs, and/or start of the sexual revolution. Or, was it the 70’s characterized by author Tom Wolfe as the "Me Decade?" I know it wasn’t any single event, but it’s clear that not enough men know how to be men and help show our kids how to grow into manhood or womanhood.

Kitty, My heart goes out to you.
My husband and I are "forced" into a similar situation. Since having my daughter, I've become a stay at home mom and my husband is working two jobs. These past few years the cost of living here has gone through the roof and we are getting a bit over our heads. We've discussed me going back to work but that would just cover child care and I would much rather take care of her myself.
We had the "hard talk" about not spending any time together as a family and feeling like each day was groundhogs day. You know what I mean?!
For us, we've decided to sell the house and start fresh. You are not alone and if you need to vent some more, let me know. I know how you feel. K.U.P. & G.L.

Count your blessings.........if even for the little bit of time you have with him. My husband is in Iraq and missed the birth of our second son who has colic so I am here listening to a screaming baby all day, potty training a toddler, trying to wash and make bottles, do laundry and keep my house someone decent when I can, and yet my husband isn't here to help if even at midnight. I don't get a goodnight kiss, I don't get a goodmorning honey, and my sons have to go to bed and wake up without daddy here to play baseball or take them to the park. When you spend so much time away from each other, it should just make the time you do spend together count that much more. Try a family vacation or something..........that's what we're doing when he gets home. Yes, bills have to get paid, but when your job lets you come home every night, even if it's late, at least you get to sleep in your bed together and you aren't half a world apart...........good luck, i hope everything works out.